Thursday, February 23, 2006
Always and Forever...
Always and forever
my heart belongs to you
Each and every step I take
always brings me back to you
My love for you
grows deep and strong
into my very soul
can't you see without your love
I never can be whole
Please take this love I offer
I promise you it is true
I want to spend each and every day
always and forever loving you
-mbeki-
And yes... that is love...
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Melancholy and Inadequacy...
I don't know why I'm feeling so melancholic all of a sudden. This abomination of inadequacy creeps up in me every single time Ling feels this way.
I just suddenly see myself as someone who can't provide that kind of security that one's beloved should feel. Have I given enough? Or is there something that lacks within me that everyone sees but me?
And can I help it if I don't want to talk about it?
Maybe... I just need a hug... just hold me tight and never let go...
God help me...
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
How much more?
Time has passed us by,
And in a blink of an eye,
We are near our 4th moon.
We have walked our hours,
And we have our sores.
But above all else,
We carry the sands along in our hearts,
Never wavering,
Never forgetting.
How much more blessings can I hold?
I do not know.
How much more can I feel?
I do not know.
How much more comfort can I grasp?
I do not know.
How much more can I ask for?
I do not know.
All I hold,
All I feel,
All I grasp,
All I ask, and
All I know...
Is your love for me...
-mbeki-
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Brokeback Mountain
Has anyone out there manage to catch Brokeback Mountain recently? Synopsis as follows...
The new film from Academy Award-nominated director Ang Lee. An epic love story set against the sweeping vistas of Wyoming and Texas, Brokeback Mountain tells the story of two young men - a ranch-hand and a rodeo cowboy - who meet in the summer of 1963, and unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, one whose complications, joys and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love. (source: Internet Movie Database)
On the surface, it might seem that Brokeback Mountain is a show glorifying the gay lifestyle and culture. Some even go so far as to propose that the film tries to gain sympathy for people who subscribe to such a lifestyle.
Yeah, true... Brokeback Mountain does seem to revolve around the theme of gay-ism and the alternative lifestyle. Both men (superbly portrayed by Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal) find forbidden love with each other and struggle their entire lifetime to come to terms with their addiction to one another. As Jack Twist (Gyllenhaal) puts it in the film: 'God, I wish I knew how to quit you!'
Read a newspaper article over the weekend which puts to us that everyone has a Brokeback Mountain within all of us. And I definitely agree with the writer. If we read deeper into the film, all of us (and I mean ALL of us) have got some 'addiction' of some sort within that we have to come to terms with. Be it the longings for love, cravings for chocolate and the itch for the latest electronic gadgets, they are all addictions! Question is... how do we differentiate which is a 'want' and a 'need'? Can we be blind to what is most important to us?
Brokeback Mountain symbolizes our addiction to all things that is in conflict with our internal selves. We sometimes visit our own Brokeback. But we must all realize it for what it is, an addiction which must be controlled and not in control.
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Evolution
Just read an interesting psychology article that was both intriguing and disturbing. Check it out here.
The entire article rests on the notion of evolution and its place in our existence today. It postulates that our minds evolve just as our physical traits evolve to cope with the daily stress that we face in our world. The article further suggests that as humans grow up (in chronological age), their brain evolves to enable us to question our own existence and therefore give us the propensity to search for a higher being (i.e. God) to give us the meaning of life (note that writer does not define which god, and I'll leave it as that).
If we accept this argument (i.e. the evolutionary perspective made famous by Freud), then we are in danger of trivialising who God is and the extent of Him being omnipotent and the Alpha and Omega. If we accept this argument, we then discount the Bible, which opens with the Book of Genesis and explains how our world came to be with God being in charge and in control of everything else.
And the worrying thing comes when I'm a psychology student as well. Am I being fed with theories and studies that trivialises the existence of God? How am I to guard against such thoughts and 'half-truths' (as Tommy would put it)?
I have to pray fervently that He would guide me and bless me with wisdom to discern.
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Disappointing Houston 2006 and a Delicacy
I think that I'm eating too much. My stomach seems to be getting very bloated and it's bothering the shit out of me. Hawk said that I might have stomach cancer and crap, that's not exactly very comforting.
In anycase, caught the 55th All Star Game this morning. Must say that it was kind of a downer. Other than the opening 2 quarters, it was the same usual things that you get to see in every game. What is Lebron James doing as an All Star MVP anyway? Didn't he shy away from the Slam Dunk Competition (which Nate Robinson deservedly won) just because he didn't want to be labelled as someone 'who dunks'? What's up with that? The All Star Weekend IS the stage where players show their appreciation for the fans! A time spanning 3 days when players such as LBJ truly give fans their money's worth of spectacular showmanship! In my opinion, MVP honors should have gone to T-Mac. The dude just did about everything on the court, from the treys, to the off the board dunk... EVERYTHING! It was good to see the older players give up their egos and allow the rising stars of today to shine... Kudos to Shaq, Kobe and A.I....
Seperate matter altogether, I can never be too thankful for a simple meal of noodles and eggs. Especially when it's cooked by Ling. And I really do appreciate it. Every dish that she cooks tastes like a delicacy, only if it's cooked by her... It may seem like a very trivial thing to do, but it's all these little little things that add up, and reminds me why I am here in the first place...
And that's my 51st reason... BECAUSE YOU SPENT THE TIME TO BOIL THE WATER, COOK THE NOODLES AND BOIL THE EGGS
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Monday, February 13, 2006
St Valentine's Day
In just matter of time, St Valentine's Day would have crept up on us. You'll get to see maniacal men trying their darnest to get gifts for their other halves. What is this day about anyway?
St. Valentine's Day falls on February 14, and is the traditional day on which lovers in certain cultures let each other know about their love, commonly by sending Valentine's cards, which are often anonymous. The history of Valentine's day can be traced back to a Catholic Church feast day, in honor of Saint Valentine. The day's associations with romantic love arrived after the High Middle Ages, during which the concept of romantic love was formulated.
The influential Gnostic teacher Valentinius was a candidate for Bishop of Rome in 143. In his teachings, the marriage bed assumed a central place in his version of Christian love, an emphasis sharply in contrast with the asceticism of mainstream Christianity. Stephan A. Hoeller assesses Valentinius on the subject : "In addition to baptism, anointing, eucharist, the initiation of priests and the rites of the dying, the Valentinian Gnosis mentions prominently two great and mysterious sacraments called 'redemption' (apolytrosis) and 'bridal chamber' respectively."
The first recorded association of St. Valentine's Day with romantic love was in the 14th century in England and France, where February 14 was traditionally the day on which birds paired off to mate. This belief is mentioned in Geoffrey Chaucer's Parlement of Foules (1381). It was common during that era for lovers to exchange notes on this day and to call each other their "Valentines". (source: Wikipedia)
Valentine's Day isn't about buying luxurious gifts or professing your love through fanciful means. If you've paid enough attention to the above, Valentine's Day was just about passing romantic notes to one another. And to what? TO SHOW APPRECIATION. And that essentially is what Valentine's Day is all about: to show appreciation for your loved ones. This doesn't just apply to those who are romantically in love, but also to those who would want to show appreciation for family and friends. The true act of love is to express it in the simplest form, be it a peck on the forehead, or just a note that says: Thank you, for being my Valentine's.
I reflect on my Valentine's last year. I regret not being sane enough to profess my appreciation to all those that were with me and all those that I have that are worth being called Family and Friend. Maybe I was just to sucked in by my imagined misery that I failed to even be thankful for who I already have.
This year, is going to be different. I've found peace and comfort in Ling, and I've found that I'm not alone in this world afterall. It's going to be the first of many Feb 14s for us, and we choose to celebrate it in the simplest way, just showing appreciation.
For you Ling...
Valentine Obsession
My Valentine, my love, my all,
How did this come to be?
This romance has me quite beguiled;
You've captivated me.
I breathe you every waking hour,
And when I sleep, I dream
That you are in my arms again...
Sweet fantasies extreme.
I'm sure that I was born for you;
You have me so fulfilled.
You kiss me and caress me,
As wild feelings start to build.
But that's not all, my Valentine;
My mind is also yours.
And for this fine obsession,
It seems there are no cures.
So tell me that you feel the same;
Tell me that you're mine.
Let me know you'll always be
My treasured Valentine.
But I prefer it to be a year round Valentines...
Year-Round Valentines
I love you all through February,
Not just on Valentine's Day;
I cherish you when flowers of spring
Appear in the midst of May.
I adore you in the summer,
When the air is filled with heat;
Without you in my life each day,
I wouldn't be complete.
I treasure you in fall,
When leaves are turning gold;
I loved you when you were younger;
I'll love you when you're old.
I prize you in the winter,
When colder days are here;
I love you, love you all the time,
Every minute of the year.
So I'll give to you this Valentine,
But I want to let you know,
It's not just today, but always,
That I will love you so.
-MBEKI
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Ramblings...
Spent the most of Saturday in the Library with Ling studying for Social Cognition this coming Wednesday. I must say that it was a real productive afternoon/evening. No one to disturb you and no irritating McDonald's ads blaring round the airwaves. Actually managed to get some things done.
Have you ever wondered why some actions just seem so automatic and some seem all so controlled? Like you instantaneous hostile reaction to someone that seemingly had done nothing wrong to you? Or like the time when you just seem to automatically express helpful behaviour to someone whom you probably do not like in the first place? Or the time when you had to calculated every single move that you take when trying to woo a member of the opposite sex (believe me, done that 4 months ago!)? All this have to do with the kind of 'imperfect theories' that we have of the world that we live in. Some of these 'theories' are just so readily available in our minds that we automatically (there's that word again) apply them to situations that we are in without much rational thought. There is no real explanation as to why we activate some theories more than others other than the mere availability effect, but it does raise the question: 'Are we in control of our thoughts, emotions and behaviours? Do we actually make rational decisions with pure logical thought?'
I recently snapped at my Mom for something that my Bernice did or did not do (depending on how you look at it). What caused me to snap? Is it the constant thought in my mind that she makes too many excuses that my sis makes? Or is it that my sister's irresponsibility and total lack of empathy for the people around her that got to me? Some may even call it sibling rivalry. I don't know what it is, but it definitely isn't sibling rivalry. I'm more concerned with her growing up to be a empathatic and disciplined person that my parents have brought me up to become. I underscore it again: I'M NOT JEALOUS OF MY KID SISTER! I think it boils down to the two persons being concerned over the same person over different perspectives. That's probably why my Mom and myself always get into heated arguments when we 'discuss' over the issues Bernice is facing. -Sigh- Or maybe I should just let Bernice grow up the way that she wants to. But I'm afraid that in the future, I wouldn't be able to look at her with the same eye. Help!
Bernice and myself do have happy times...
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Machine Made vs Hand Made...
Felt like crap when I got out of bed this morning. Don't know why. Seems that I've been getting headaches very frequently lately. That throbbing pain I get resides on my left portion of my neck. Maybe I've not been getting enough sleep, or maybe I'm sleeping in weird positions. Oh wells... think popping in a few panadols would suffice. Either that or try sleeping for 4hrs (I just did that and it worked :)).
Was enjoying (or trying to) a serving of Foo Chow fishball noodles that incidentally, Ling has a taste for. Unfortunately, it wasn't the traditional ones that her tastebuds are used to. But one comment kept me thinking: 'It ain't good because it is machine made'. Let me just explore this for a bit...
For those who do not know, Foo Chow fishballs are basically mincemeat balls wrapped in a layer of fish paste and shaped like a ball (just imagine table-tennis ball size). And the way to differentiate the factory ones and the hand-made ones is that the former would have a regular round spherical shape. Needless to say, the factory ones aren't filled with much meat at all.
It set me thinking about God, and the whole notion of creating us in all uniqueness (I'm assuming that readers out there believe that there is a God in the first place and that He is the creator of everything). If God had created all of us uniformly not unlike a factory, we are no different from the uniform Foo Chow fishballs, having nothing to distinguish us from the rest of the human race. The fact that God created us differently with varying strengths and varying beauty, makes us UNIQUELY different from one another. And if we are created by the Alpha and Omega, and believe that He loves us much, then it would follow that He would create us PERFECT in His eyes.
Some would argue that perfection isn't with God, but with how others see us to be. I beg to differ. If we are placed on earth by God, and recognise that as the essence of our existence, it would follow that we are IN ESSENCE made with the sole purpose of serving Him. And therefore if our purpose is to serve Him, and He created us, wouldn't He create us in perfection to serve Him to our greatest abilities?
On another note, Super Bowl XL was such a let down. Officiating was kinda crap. Thought that the SeaHawks should have been given the touchdown instead of an interference call. Well, can't wait for NBA All-Star 2006 in Houston, Texas. Hope that would be a better showcase than Super Bowl!
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Monday, February 06, 2006
Cats and Appetite...
Look at the picture above and the first thing that would enter your mind would be 'Awww... so cute!' On the contrary, what I encountered yesterday evening hardly elicited the same response from me. Ling and myself were having our routine nightly cushy talks at one of the benches under the void deck when a little stray kitten climbed up and started to bother her. Next stop for the infernal animal was to paw at my pouch and tank top that I left on the bench itself. And horrors of horrors, I realised who the perpetrator was. It wasn't the kitten, but the one of the residents have been coming down everynight to feed, not just that particular kitten, but an entire brood! His reasoning: if I don't feed them, they (the felines) would be rummaging through the thrash and cause greater problems. What kind of logic is that? If it is already a menace in the first place, why not just lodge a complain with the relevant authorities and have the cats cleared from the area instead of resorting to feeding them, causing a possible and further case of breeding? Wouldn't that make the situation even worse? Hmmm... Which brings me to question: Do we sometimes try to do the right thing by doing the wrong thing? Are we sometimes 'feeding cats' to prevent something myopic without looking at greater consequences? In short... do we do what we do just to achieve immediate rewards/aims? Sometimes, I feel that it is better to really evaluate the wide reaching consequences of our actions instead of just narrowly identifying problems and solutions... Thoughts?
On another note, I do realise that Ling is making a concerted effort to eat regularly, which is a good thing. Apparently, before she met me, she has been having irregular meals daily, causing her much discomfort due to her severe case of gastric, which scares the crap out of me most times. Problem is: Ling thinks that she is putting on extra flab (which I seriously do not care, notice or observe at all). Hmmm... Well, I love her regardless of whatever flab she has, or even the lack of it (I did come up with the 50 reasons didn't I?)... She is lying on my bed now, totally oblivious to whatever is happening to the outside world... OKKK... she's sleeping!
And just looking at her lie here with her arms wrapped around my bolster is reason enough to just stare at her all night long and risk missing Superbowl later this morning... To tell you the truth, I really relish every single momment that I have just by looking at her. You guys out there may think that this is some psychotic act. But I really do think that the best form of communication, paradoxically, is silence.
Just appreciating someone. Just like appreciating a painting. Just like appreciating His creations. Just like appreciating Ling.
You're my morning light,
a sunshine smile in skies.
The starlight in my dreams,
on clouds of lullaby's.
You're my rock to lean on,
for days dreary and blue.
The touch of your embrace,
sends sparks in me to you.
You're a flame in my heart,
on cold and loving nights.
From my head to my toes,
on afternoon delights.
You're always on my mind,
my one and true amore.
In thoughts of yesterday,
tomorrow's to explore.
You're my friend forever,
who comforts when I cry.
To listen, laugh and love,
with me until I die.
Take it easy, Keep it real...
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Back from Sawadee-Kap Land
Finally I'm back from Bangkok. As usual, we had our food, friends and of course shopping! Can I just register the point across that Thailand has the most polite population ever! Everyone was Sawadee-kap here and Sawadee-kap there.
Thoroughly enjoyed my stay at Arnoma Hotel, though not having Ling by my side was a little too difficult to bear. Had real bad time sleeping not because of the hard bed, but because I have no one to hug at night (those who think that I should be hugging Bernice... GROSS!). Poor girl was crying on the way to the airport, at the airport, and when I walked into the terminal. Piang eh... Ok... not that I didn't want to run out of the terminal myself and just give her one last hug, but she was nowhere to be found... Hmmm...
In anycase, got back last night and boy, was I glad to see her waiting for me at the arrival hall. Funny how a few nights apart can make you appreciate the relationship even more (not that I'm not reveling in it). The night walks just seem so much more intense...
Went visiting today. Nanny's, Grand-Uncle's, Great-Grand Aunt's, Grandma's and APeng's. Had so much food! AWESOME! The bulk of food didn't really agree with Ling's stomach though. Everyone thinks that I'm fattening her up for some unholy sacrifice... In anyways, was glad that I got to catch up with all of my closer relatives.
School awaits us tomorrow morning at 0800hrs. DAMN! Can't wait (sarcasm is subtle here...)
Take it easy, Keep it real...
P.S. Will try and post the pics up from visits and Thailand as soon as I can...
